Selfishness

So yesterday at about 4:30 in the morning, I was awoken by a random contraction. After it subsided, I had period-like back pain that didn't subside. The pain was bad enough that I couldn't get back to sleep so I finally got out of bed at 5:30. The pain was constant, and I sent Greg to work with instructions to keep his phone near him, just in case. All day yesterday I felt like I was on my period, which (I've been told) is how you first feel when going into labor. I also had other signs of impending labor, but I'll save you from the gross details. Then, yesterday evening, I was scheduled to work and was sure that being on my feet for 4+ hours would help move things along. By the end of my shift I was in lots of pain, but didn't know if it was still the crampiness or just from being 37 weeks pregnant and on my feet. I decided to go to bed hoping that I would be awoken, once again, to pains. This time I was hoping they would be actual contractions though that we could time, using my new contraction counter app on my phone I'd installed before going to bed last night. Trust me, I was ready to go.

Well, I woke up at 5:30 this morning...feeling fine. No cramping, no back pain, nothing. I can't begin to tell you how unhappy I was. I was SO sure that I had started early labor and was going to have a baby girl very soon. Once I was up and got my coffee, I decided that today was the perfect day to to absolutely nothing but sit on the couch, eat cookies, and feel sorry for myself.

Well, then ya know what happened?

I ate all my cookies and decided I needed a new plan. I knew in the back of my mind I was being selfish, but wasn't ready to admit it yet.

I decided to catch up on Keri and Jenny's blogs, my two friends who were due within days of me with their second children, also. (Keri had medical complications and had little baby Claire on December 20th. Claire is in the nicu because she was born early, and is doing well but will still be in the hospital for a little while longer. Continued prayers are appreciated!) Jenny is still waiting on her baby, Aiden, to come when he's ready. The latest post I read was about her waiting patiently for God's timing on when Aiden should come. She included a verse at the bottom of her post that hit me like a ton of bricks. "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." Philippians 4:11b

Whew! Boy, did I need that! I had a wonderful doctor's appointment on Wednesday where I found out that my body is doing wonderfully on working towards labor, and if I don't go naturally in the next week and a half, they'll be inducing me. I know I will get to hold our little girl in no more than a week and a half, and yet, that wasn't good enough. I decided a pity party was a better plan and was going to be upset if my attempts at natural induction were unsuccessful.

God also reminded me of this time last year. I was physically and emotionally recovering from a miscarriage. This year, I have a full term, healthy baby girl that I get to meet very soon. I broke down at the computer desk thinking about how selfish I was being. Because of my miscarriage, I had such a feeling of greatfulness for this baby when I found out we were pregnant again. Somewhere in the last 9 months though, I lost that. Thankfully I was reminded about how blessed we are for this baby, and again thanked God for her.

It also occured to me that this is the last little bit of time that it will be just Hunter and me during the day. I need to soak up as much time with just the two of us as I can, because our world is going to change forever very soon!

God was gracious enough to bless us with another baby. Who am I to decide when she should come into the world?

So that's that. Would I like to go into labor naturally before 39 weeks when I'll be induced? Of course. Am I going to dwell on it and be upset if I don't? Absolutely not.

In a couple months, when baby girl is growing like a weed, this 1.5 weeks is going to seem like the blink of an eye!

So once again, my prayer for the day (and beyond) is "...for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances." Philippians 4:11b

Thank you, Lord, for smacking me upside the head!